I Am

With the first semester of my Sophomore at its end, and my month long Winter Break has officially began, it is time for a necessary blog. This semester has been QUITE eventful. I realized that I am not as stable as I once perceived, that of course rattled me to the core, fucking with my grades and overall sanity, if that is even intact. My work ethic was increased DRAMATICALLY, which did nothing for my grades because if you are in a slump internally, there is NOTHING that you can do until things get better. The biggest splash in my poor little pond was my acquisition of a girlfriend.

YES WOLRD, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!

What had happened was..............we started off as GREAT friends. We leaned on each other. We depended on each other. We were one of the only persons in each others lives that we could trust, and that is saying A LOT!!! We were comfortable with each other, and we grew to need one another.
We grew to love each other, on a rather strange level. We did not recognize this level, obviously, because we are, or at least WERE, heterosexual. So, naturally, we sort of ignored it, thinking that it was just a girl crush, whatever the fuck that is.

RANT: if it is a fucking crush, which apparently everyone has on the same sex, would not that be equivalent to everyone experiencing some sort of bisexuality??? Call it for what it is, and interact with it accordingly. Do not label something, and then retreat from your wording when it pertains to you. BUCK THE FUCK UP AND OWN YOUR SHIT!!!

Anywho

When we realized that it was the real thing, she thought that she had to live with the "fact" that I would never be hers because I was telling her that nothing was there. I was still in a relationship so for me to acknowledge these feelings and trying at the same time to keep them at bay would be virtually impossible. It took her writing a poem, and basically calling me a liar and relating me to a person that was afraid of what they wanted, to get me to tell her the truth.

SHE WAS EXCITED

I did not want to tell her because these feelings were growing and growing by the day, and to entertain them would essentially be cheating. Grant it for a woman cheating is based on emotions, but that's a different blog. When I did tell her, she could hardly contain herself, and it made things with my boyfriend THAT much more complicated. I am not a cheater, and I try to keep myself out of every possible situation possible that would lead me to commit that heinous of an act, but by confessing my feelings, that was nearly impossible. I did fairly well, but damn it was difficult.

I WANTED TO SEE IF IT WAS OVER WITH HIM

I did not put anything in stone until I got home for Break. I did this to give him a fair shot at me as well, even though he had no clue that he was in a competition for my heart. I spent the night with him when I got home. It did nothing but make things worse. The entire time that I was with him, and yes things did get hot, heavy, steamy, and wild, I could not stop thinking of her. Even while in the act I was thinking of her. I even felt bad because it was as if I was cheating on her, when we weren't even in a relationship yet. I think that's what made everything clear for me. So I left him behind the next day and just chose whom I felt would make me the happiest......I am happy.

I HAVE NOT LOOKED BACK SINCE.

Now for society to OFFICIALLY kiss my ass, roll over, and die. You have my blessing.